You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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