hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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