If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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