I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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