i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
