I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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