I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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