omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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