You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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