Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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