I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
