well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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