I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
