By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
