After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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