tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
