I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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