I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
