My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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