i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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