just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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