toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize