youre lurking in front of me
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
