when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
