All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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