Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize