i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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