Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize