is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
