tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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