you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
