Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
