I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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