he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
