You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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