We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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