I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
