i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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