Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
