come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
