im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
