I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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