He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
