just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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