my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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