I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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