porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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