Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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