You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
