so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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