My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
