Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
