i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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