Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
