He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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