i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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