ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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