Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
