Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
