dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
