Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
