happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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