she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
