Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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