I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize