I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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