I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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