So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
