he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
