Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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